I dare the average American to try and sit like that, and I dare you to find a floor that’s clean enough.

In the Spanish El Colacho festival, men wearing yellow suits jump over new babies to help “absorb their sins.” Yeah, most Americans aren’t making it all the way over their babies.

I’m sure you’ve seen videos of cheese rolling, but any American would turn the entire festival into “American rolling.”

Yeah, if this festival were conducted along the Vegas Stretch instead of the streets of Pamplona, we’d have quite a few trampled slot players.

In some countries, it’s actually considered mean to sit in the back of a taxi. But that level of personal interaction might kill the average anti-social, social media-addicted American.

In some Asian countries, opening gifts in front of the gift giver is considered impatient and disrespectful. But there’s no way Americans are that patient.

A hoodie with pajama pants has become the standard uniform for shopping at Target, but in many other countries, leaving the house requires a lot more dressing up.

Blowing your nose, spitting, or other such actions are considered gross to do in public across much of the world. But have you ever ridden the subway? Yeah, that’s not happening here.

Called Baba Umer Dargah, the practice of dropping babies off of tall ledges onto blankets has already been banned in many places, but if practiced in the United States, it would result in plenty of “drops.”

Called the Polterabend, this tradition calls for making loud noises in front of your home in celebration, often by breaking things like plates. I just know that would wake up my Karen neighbor, and get me a call from the HOA.

Asking for salt or other condiments can be seen as an insult to the chef in Egypt. But any American I know will do anything they can to add more.

Considering the fitness level of the average American, the Finnish have a definite leg up with this one.

In Japan, instead of going through the embarrassing practice of firing an employee, companies will instead lower the employee's workload until they have no choice but to quit from boredom, and shame that they aren’t contributing to the common cause. This practice is called Oidashibeya, meaning work purgatory. But that sounds like the dream job to me, and it probably does to most other Americans too. This would kill the American economy.

Americans do not like to reveal more than is culturally acceptable. But in places like Finland, taking it all off to hang out in a sauna with your friends is totally normal. Plenty of other countries have also destigmatized the birthday suit.

Have you ever tried suggesting riding a bike, or taking mass transit to an American? Yeah, they would rather die.