“Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it.”

“I went to the doctors recently He said: ‘Don’t eat anything fatty’ I said: ‘What, like bacon and burgers?’ He said, ‘No. fatty don’t eat anything.’”

“To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.”

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“‘There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them.’” — George Carlin

“My favorite one, because I told it to my 5 year old who would then tell it to literally everyone. It's a two part-er..... ‘Why did the chicken cross the road? To see the idiot.’ ‘Knock Knock!’ ‘Who's there?’ ‘The chicken!’

“That reminds me of what they say about plateaus… they’re the highest form of flattery.”

“My dad asked me the other day: ‘Are you even listening to me?’ Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.”

“Two cannibals sat around a campfire. One said ‘God, I hate my mother-in-law.’ His friend said, ‘Well then try the potatoes!’”

“Two nuns were riding their bikes to church. One says ‘Ive never come this way before.’ The other says ‘it's the cobblestones.’”

“I stopped drinking ‘cause I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.” — Richard Pryor

 “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so — look at the platypus.” — Robin Williams

“Two guys are robbing a liquor store, and as they are clearing the shelves the first guy goes: ‘is this whiskey?’ The second guy replies: ‘Sure, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank!’”

“My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.”

“I have nephews. They love spending time with us. They love it ‘cause we let them do whatever they wanna do. They’re not our kids, we don’t care. Only thing I have to do is keep you alive. That’s it. They come visit us: ‘Oh what? No dinner? All right, hey, ice cream all day! How about that? Eat up! I don’t pay your dental bills. I don’t care.’” — Wanda Sykes

“Yesterday I got caught peeing in the pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loudly I nearly fell in.”

“I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.”

“Two Olympians are chatting in the Olympic Village. One asks the other, ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’ He says, ‘No, I'm German. How did you know my name?’”

“Have you ever heard that joke about gaslighting?" "No?" "Yes you have."

“Why doesn't Oedipus use foul language? He kisses his mother with that mouth.”

“A cat and a dog are leading a caravan of pioneers through the old frontier. The cat was in charge of the front wagon. The dog was in charge of the tail wagon.”

“Once upon a time there was a Spanish magician who said he could make himself disappear. So he begins to count: “Uno… dos…” And he disappeared without a tres!”

“What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.”