As any pun-slinging middle-aged dad can attest, cracking one liners is no easy task. But for storied comics like, Mitch Hedberg, Robin Williams and Joan Rivers, bringing down the house with legendary jokes is all in a day's work.
From Rodney Dangerfield to Norm Macdonald, here are 20 jokes that most definitely earned their spot in the comedy hall of fame.
1
Put The Scissors Down
“Having bangs feels exactly like being on mushrooms. The whole time, you’re looking at your friends, asking, ‘Do I look weird?’” — Taylor Tomlinson
2
Hostage Crisis
“You don’t like pets, pet people act like you’re a monster. “You don’t like pets? You’re so mean!” Really, I’m mean? I’m not the one keeping a live animal hostage in my apartment. “He loves me.” Really? Open the door.” — Tom Papa
3
Good Luck, Babe!
“I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.” — Kristen Schaal
4
Bully For Jack
“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.” — Jack Whitehall
5
Dress For The Job You Want
“Genetics didn’t quite work with me. My career options were either comedy, softball coach or UPS driver. I don’t look good in brown, so I’m a comedian.” — Fortune Feimster
6
Glam Squad
“I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for ‘Best Special Effects.’” — Joan Rivers
7
I Don’t
“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos: I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.” — Margaret Cho
8
A Carrot A Day …
“Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.” —Sarah Silverman
9
Looney Tunes
“Canadian money is also called the looney. How can you take an economic crisis seriously? ‘The looney is down!’ ‘Oh, how sad for you!’” — Robin Williams
10
Daddy’s Home
“I don’t have a kid. I think that I would be a good father — especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.” — Eugene Mirman
11
Steve Sells Seashells By The Seashore
“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.” — Steven Wright
12
Pit Crew
“I want to be a race car passenger. Just the guy who bugs the driver: ‘Say man, can I turn on the radio?’ ‘You should slow down.’ ‘Why do we gotta keep going in circles?’ ‘Man, you really like Tide!’” — Mitch Hedberg
13
Eight Not-So-Crazy Nights
“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” — Richard Lewis
14
Bet It All On Black
“I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, ‘it's because I'm black, isn't it.’” — Milton Jones
15
Time and Place
“I believe that you can learn something in every situation. Like last summer, I was at a party, and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool. Location, location, location.” — Demetri Martin
16
Life is a Highway
“At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?” — Zach Galifianakis
17
Best In Show
“My mom took me to a dog show, and I won!” — Rodney Dangerfield
18
Oedipal Arrangements
“I once walked in on my parents having s— It was the most embarrassing 30 minutes of my life.” — Norm Macdonald
19
Empty House
“I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said, ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’” — Jimmy Carr
20
Get Freed
“I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core p—.” — Gilbert Gottfried
