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“My girlfriend and I ordered takeout yesterday and these were our fortune cookies.”

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“1 month of self isolation and my ceiling decided it was time to share the breakdowns”

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“It was 60 and sunny yesterday. Forgot to put the top down.”

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“My son stuck his finger in my eye and scratched off the whole top layer of my cornea.”

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“Just wanted some balsamic vinegar on my salad”

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“Try not to sneeze when using an eyelash curler.”

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“Picked up dinner from a local restaurant…sauce leaked, bag broke, dinner said hello to the garage floor.”

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“I just wanted some potatoes with dinner.”

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” I installed my own microwave today and saved $150 in install fees!”

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“Our 100 year old barn caught on fire last night do to the baby chick heating lamp.”

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“Today my husband discovered it is possible to recline the reclining chair too far.”

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“My gf bought this very attractive Easter egg for me, which I then left in the sun.“

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“Been home for 3 weeks. Leave for 10 minutes and kids shoot two BB’s through the window.”

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“My roommate made soup.”

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“Was feeling lucky about being able to order flour from Wal Mart to be delivered.”

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“Moved out last month with the GF. IKEA closed and then canceled our order for the second half of our couch. We also both lost our jobs. I also found out yesterday that, as I’m a student, I was claimed as a dependent in 2018, thus disqualifying me from the stimulus check :)”

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“A gallon jar of honey cracked and spilled in my friend’s car the other day.”

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“Somebody’s boat fell off of their trailer in a busy intersection.”

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“I have been dieting and fitting back in these pants was one of my goals. Today is the first day since four years that I could wear them. One hot-water bottle later…”

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“Man gets a tattoo he found on his pup, not knowing it means he’s neutered.”

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“Almost made it home. Someone on my flight was apparently sick as hell.”

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“BF put an empty box of double-stuffed Oreos back in the pantry :(“

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